shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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