Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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