my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
