he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
