I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
