I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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