I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
