Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
