I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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