i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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