I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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