totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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