All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize