Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
