Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
