Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
