WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
