i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
