I just pynch a tree in the face
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
That was before I lit my hair on fire
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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