i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
