i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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