I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
