some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I met the friendliest cop last night
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
