fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
