god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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