Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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