Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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