He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
