Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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