Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
