I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
