I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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