booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just want nice things and good sex
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize