He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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