just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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