Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
