we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize