sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
