i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
