That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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