Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
