my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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