I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
