having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize