A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
