I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
