i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
