who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
