Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You ruined the universe
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
