dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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