It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
