I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
