ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize