After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
