hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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