i will never coherently bang her
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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