im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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