my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
