I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
