Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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