my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
