The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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