I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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